The Golden Handcuffs

I am a Grocery Goddess. I have been flaunting the aisles of organic grocery stores for over 10 years.

For the past 3 months I've been having an extended summer holiday. You see, I have a fancy form of tendinitis. It's called De Quiervein Tendonisis. (I dare you to say that 10x fast) It is tendinitis in both my thumbs caused from repetitive gripping and lifting. A Buddhist friend told me I got it from grasping and clinging. (I think that might be an inside joke)

Why am I writing a blog? Well, I have a lot of time on my hands (no pun intended). I'm going through an evolution of sorts or an opening. My hands that have been clenched so tightly are slowly unfolding.

It's an exhilarating and frightening time for me. I'm not sure what the future holds and that is a good lesson in attachment for this little Buddhist. Because ultimately none of us know what the future holds. Do we?

You are NOT what you do. And yet, I am the Grocery Goddess. And right now the Goddess is hurling spit balls across my mind at my creative self the Photographic Philanthropist. I have no idea if I will be able to return to my former job working retail and sometimes I wonder if I really want to. For the past 6 years my creative self has been suffocating. Gasping for breath on those rare occasions when I had the energy to let her breathe freely.

These past few months I have exploded with energy, creativity and drive. I wish only to do my photography, to learn more and more. But my Goddess is nasty sometimes. She whispers in the background. "We have a good job with benefits and seniority. Why throw it all away? You can't live on your photography. You can't do it. You are not good enough!!"

SPLAT! Direct spitball hit!

I don't seem to be letting go of this dream though despite the battle waging in my mind. My excitement is a superior shield from the juicy onslaught. I still don't quite believe in myself. But I do believe in my dream.

So I am taking advantage of this time and the plethora of energy in my possession. I recently took a 4 day career development course and had the realization during the course that what my passion is in this lifetime is photography. So, I'm taking a one week photography course at Van Arts Institute of Media Arts at the end of this month. I'm creating my own temporary gallery, the Sub-floor Gallery, in my beautiful basement apartment. I'm having a show and sale of my photography this month in my gallery to help pay for the course I'm taking in Vancouver. I'm buying a business licence so that I have a solid piece of evidence that my photography business exists. And If I can get myself organized in time I'm taking a website development course online from BCIT that starts in September.

If I think about the possible or seemingly impossible future I overflow with emotions that run the gamet of the rainbow. So I'm trying to stay in the moment. It's difficult, but I try. I try to take it in steps. I'm taking baby steps until I'm ready to take that big step, that big leap. I've just got to build up my muscles first.

(Golden handcuffs are a system of financial incentives designed to keep an employee from leaving the company. Source: Wikipedia)